I get up at 6 a.m., no matter what time it is.

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

One woman's hobby is another woman's hubby.

The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of a new car.

It's what people don't know about each other that makes them such good friends.

After all is said and done - where do the people in hell tell one another to go?

If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who knows the judge.

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Marriage is like a cage; those outside are desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher... and that is a good thing for any man.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore

Marriage is not a word, it is a sentence - A Life Sentence!!

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.