One day, a wealthy man was riding down a street in the back of his
 limousine. Turning a corner, he looked out the window and noticed two
 men on the side of the road eating grass. He ordered his driver to
 stop and got out to investigate."Why are you eating grass?" he asked
 one man. "Because, sir, we don't have money for food," the poor man
 replied. "Well, come along with me then!""But, sir, I have a wife and
 2 kids." "Bring them along! And you come too," he said to the second
 man. "But, sir, I have a wife and 7 kids!""Bring them all," the
 wealthy man said. So all of them piled into the limo, which was no
 easy task even though the wealthy man's limo was one of the biggest.
 Once underway, one of the poor fellows said, "Sir, we really
 appreciate your kindness!" The rich man replied, "No, it is I who
 appreciate all of you! The grass at my house is 3 feet tall!"

A man sees another leaning against the wall of a large building. The second
man is puffing away, one cigarette after another.  The non-smoker says,
"Sir, I couldn't help noticing how you chain-smoke.
How
many packs do you smoke a day?"
"Four."
"How long have you been smoking?"
"Thirty years."
"That's over six thousand packs. If you didn't smoke,you could have
saved
enough money to buy this building.The smoker
takes a deep puff and says,
"Do you smoke?"
"Never."
"Do you own this building?"
"No."
"Well, I do.

A police officer pulls a bloke over for speeding and has the following
  exchange:
 
  Officer:
  May I see your driver's license?
 
  Driver:
  I don't have one. I had it suspended for speeding.
 
  Officer:
  May I see the registration for this vehicle?
 
  Driver:
  It's not my car. I stole it.
 
  Officer:
  The car is stolen?
 
  Driver:
  That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in
  the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
 
  Officer:
  There's a gun in the glove box?
 
  Driver:
  Yes mate. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who
owns
  this car and stuffed her in the boot.
 
  Officer:
  There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?
 
  Driver:
  Yes, mate.
 
  Hearing this, the officer immediately called his back up. The car was
  quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to
  handle the tense situation:
 
  Captain:
  Sir, can I see your license?
 
  Driver:
  Sure. Here it is.
  It was valid.
 
  Captain:
  Who's car is this?
 
  Driver:
  It's mine, officer. Here's the registration papers.
 
  Captain:
  Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in
it?
 
  Driver:
  Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
  Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
 
  Captain:
  Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in
 it.
 
  Driver:
  No problem.
  Boot is opened; no body.
 
  Captain:
  I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you
  didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and
that
  there was a dead body in the boot.
 
  Driver:
  Yeah, I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding as well.