* God is real, unless declared an integer.

* Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

* Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?

* Home is where the television is.

* Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.

* Death is hereditary.

* Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.

* Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

* When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

* Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

* Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else..

* Experience is what a comb gives you after you lose your hair.

* Well done is better than well said.

* Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.

* They say hard work never hurt anybody, but why take the chance.

* Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

* You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

* I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

* If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

* Pessimist: A person that looks both ways when crossing a one way street.

* The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an approaching train.

* Where there's a will there are five hundred relatives.

* I have a drinking problem * I can't afford it.

* Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

* Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can't blame on the government.

* The evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

* There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.

* An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.